witheredblum | sinking down, down

sinking down, down

Death is a drop into a blackness that swallows you. You feel the movement of not air but shadow across your face as you plummet, and there is no bottom. No crash.

If there is another side, you do not reach it.

It is neither the light of heaven or the fires of hell that greets you when you wake. And wake you do, to the buzz and flicker of old fluorescent lights.

You are laid out beside a full-size competitive swimming pool, half-filled with stagnant water. The doors out are blocked off by locked doors covered in caution tape. The locker rooms are long since emptied, paint peeling from the humidity. The only signs of habitation are a few pieces of scattered graffiti.

Welcome to your new home. There's no sunlight, no indication of time passing. Just you and each other and your thoughts. the stagnant water bubbles a little occasionally, but there's nothing in it.

Before long you'll realize that you no longer need to eat or drink. You might notice your hand go through something if you don't focus. You're a ghost now. What's that they say about unfinished business?

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[ It might be for the best. In that vacant space between them, Kohaku wrests the tumult of her emotions back beneath her control—picking apart a tangle, knot-by-knot, until it no longer threatens to burst from her through the welling corners of her eyes.

(What an odd thing for her to have to do.)

Still, she can feel them within her. Rather than the empty, hollow breast of a doll, her heart throbs with them. She nearly falls into Hatsune with the way she reaches for her: not quite a hug, her fingers balling in the fabric over her collar. ]

Hatsune—

[ She can't be mad at her. It would be unfair, after what she herself had done—after what she knew her actions would mean. Even so, there is a part of her that wants to shake Hatsune by the shoulders. She had wanted her to move on—or to meet Hisui-chan even if she was gone, or... ]

You—what were you thinking...? "It's Doloris"?

[ Doll expert here: this is NOT cool. Doll girls only do this if they're extremely distressed!! ]

[ hatsune had been planning something like this since they got together. nothing would change that, even if... she had been tempted away from it, for a time. ]

... One last curtain call in the role. [ she murmurs that near kohaku's ear, slipping her arms around her. ghostly or not, dead or not... they're here. they're together. hatsune feels tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, drawing in an unnecessary breath as she touches her forehead to kohaku's. ]

I thought it would make it easier for them. I'm sorry.

...That's why it upset me, you know.

[ No, really—she's sure that Hatsune must know. Kohaku closes her eyes, and as she leans her forehead into Hatsune's, her hands slip from her collar to curl around her shoulders instead—just in time to thump a closed fist against Hatsune's back. Not strong enough to hurt, but enough for the sensation to be a little sharp. ]

What if it hadn't worked? Even if you had to lie in front of the headmistress... Wouldn't you have rather spent your last moments with them as yourself?

I know. I know. I'm sorry, it...

[ doloris was a monster born of transient dreams upon the stage. what else would do for her final curtain, in a theatre of nightmares? ]

... I was enough myself for Hawke to make it clear where we stood. [ hatsune manages a brittle smile, as those tears start to fall. hawke didn't say what she said to doloris. or uika. it's neither of those roles that she hates. ]

She hates Misumi Hatsune, for something she did as herself. [ something i'm terrified you'll hate me for, too. ] So there's that.

Edited 2025-05-18 03:31 (UTC)

[ Kohaku murmurs a gentle, soothing sound in the space between them. ]

I'm sorry... I tried to watch over you as much as I could, but the longer we're away from this place, the more tired we get. [ When she draws away from where their foreheads have pressed together, it's only to press a kiss to Hatsune's cheek. ] What happened?

[ everything really is so much easier, like this. she breathes easier at the kiss, nodding slowly. ]

... After the trial last week, I... was in a bad way. She came to check on me. And... maybe it was just... feeling like I didn't deserve it, but... I told her about the night I left for Tokyo. About... [ and she grips more tightly at the back of kohaku's shirt, speaking quietly: ]

About what happened to Uika.

Edited 2025-05-18 05:34 (UTC)

[ Now, Kohaku does draw away—just a little, just enough to take in Hatsune's face. Her hands pull forward, until they rest gently over her shoulders. ]

What happened to Uika...? [ But then: ] Oh, maybe we should find somewhere more private than the pool.

[ She canNOT imagine what being in here must have been like before Alena opened the door for them. ]

[ hatsune nods quickly at that, even as she finds herself averting her eyes when kohaku moves to take in her expression.

she seems... scared, almost. more scared than she'd been over the prospect of dying. ]

Please. [ if vanity or, god forbid, misty fucking quigley hears this she might die all over again. ]

[ softly, almost a whisper: ] Okay.

[ Kohaku brings a hand up, brushing her knuckles along Hatsune's cheek. For a moment, her touch lingers there—but then she takes a step back, pulling away from Hatsune at last. ]

Let's go to the stables. They aren't far, and it'll be just us and the horses.

[ awesome lesbian couple vs evil and intimidating horse (pagoda) ]

[ hatsune leans into the contact almost instinctively, when kohaku touches her cheek. just as easily, she reaches for her hand at the suggestion. ]

... It'll be nice to see how Milton's doing. [ she means it as a joke, she thinks. and if kohaku doesn't start walking first, she will. ]

I'm sure that Milton will be happy to see how you are, too.

[ ...Yeah, so, if Hatsune didn't catch any ambient activity to suggest as much during the week: animals can see ghosts! Hopefully this conversation doesn't get so stressful they upset the horses having it...

In any case, Kohaku will take the lead, tugging Hatsune along with her by the hand. ]

[ well. she hadn't! so this will be an interesting way to discover that.

hatsune's a bundle of nerves right now, but somehow, she still feels more at ease than she has in days. it's a strange combination of emotions. when they finally arrive at the stables, she drops onto a haybale and folds her legs, tugging kohaku's hand to encourage her to join her.

no one knows. no one must know— ]

... I need to tell you the whole story, Kohaku.

[ Of course, Kohaku immediately follows Hatsune as she tugs, tucking her legs neatly beneath herself as she settles in beside her. ]

...Of course. [ Kohaku's smile betrays some nervousness of her own—though, with her answer, it might be more accurate to describe that feeling as worry. ] If that's something you're ready for, I would like to hear it.

[ she's found enough clarity to understand one thing, at least. ]

... If I wait until I'm sure I'm ready, it'll just tear me up forever.

[ hatsune leans into kohaku a little as she says it, nestling her head against her shoulder. ]

I'll just... keep hiding parts of it. And then I get to keep convincing myself if you knew all of it, you'd hate me. I don't... want to get stuck in a pattern like that, again. Plus, I don't know how much time we have now, so... I want you to know the truth.

[ to see all of the girl under the mask. even if she's unloveable. ]

[ As Hatsune leans into her, Kohaku shifts to accommodate her weight. Her cheek leans against Hatsune's hair as she draws one arm around her waist—a gentle embrace that does nothing to trap Hatsune where she is. ]

Then... I will listen to whatever you need to say, Hatsune.

[ ugh, she loves this girl so fucking much. hatsune nods against kohaku's shoulder, slipping an arm around her in return. ]

... What do you know about the Togawa Group?

I'm afraid that I can't say I know much.

[ Perhaps in part because she has been with the Osgale family since she was very young—and, perhaps, because there isn't much need for a maid to be aware of the political intricacy of her social betters. But those are things she's sure will become necessary to say later, so for the moment, she leaves her answer at that. ]

[ hatsune nods at that, again, staying close. about as much as the average person might, then, if that. that's fine, she just thought it was the safest place to start. the voices from week three might have betrayed pieces, but only in the most disconnected of ways. ]

The Togawa are... a very old, rich and powerful family. Before the war, they were nobility, the Group was one of the old zaibatsu... you get the idea. They used to rule Shodoshima, the island where Sayo-chan, Uika and I grew up.... they still have a summer villa there. My mother, for a long time, was a live-in caretaker at the villa.

[ she presses herself a little more tightly against kohaku. ]

... My father is Togawa Sadaharu... the CEO and family head. After his wife died, he and my mother... well, I was the result. I was... hidden on Shodoshima with my mother, because I was a threat to his position, and the chain of inheritance. His legitimate daughter of Togawa blood, Mizuho... and her daughter, born the same year as me.

Togawa Sakiko. [ saki-chan. ]

[ Kohaku might not be familiar with the specifics of it, but the structure is perfectly familiar to someone like her. Money, power, secrets that are only secret because of the risk they pose to those alloted the most importance—even, my mother was a live-in caretaker...

Against the crown of Hatsune's head, Kohaku's nods. The motion rubs her cheek through the blond of Hatsune's hair, and against her side, that gentle hand strokes up and down. Still, she says nothing—so that touch will have to be signal enough for Hatsune to continue her story. ]

[ she doesn't know what she's done to deserve this kind of love, she thinks.

hatsune closes her eyes, letting herself be slightly lost in kohaku's touch, if only for now. ]

When I was a baby, my mother met a local fisherman. He was... kind. Very kind. The two of them married before long, and he raised me like his own child. They were happy together, so... before I was two, they had a happy child together. Uika. My little sister... the one I called by my name, before. She was completely different from me... happy, cheerful, bright like the sun. She... dreamed of being an idol. Both of us took so much after our mother, though, that we almost looked as much alike as you and Hisui-chan.

They had their happy family. I was the mistake, born from grief and hidden like a secret, never allowed to forget who my real father was. I was the only one who didn't fit. I'd... felt like that for longer than I can remember.

[ and as she describes her dynamic with uika, she imagines it as a twisted reflection of kohaku and hisui. still, that hand resting on kohaku's side balls up in her shirt. ]

[ As Kohaku feels those fingers tighten, the hand she had left lying in her lap reaches for Hatsune, instead. She gathers up her free hand in hers, and as she laces their fingers together, she once more brushes the pad of her thumb across her knuckles. ]

So, [ she says, finally speaking up, ] what happened?

[ A vibrant little sister, and the dream that belonged to her. Certainly, she can see the shape of something forming—but, like some beast moving around below the surface of dark water, its details have yet to resolve, and the nature of it eludes her. ]

[ hatsune squeezes kohaku's hand, pressing a kiss to the juncture of her neck and shoulder in thanks. a murmur of i love you against her skin. ]

So... one summer, the year before I met Sayo-chan, we found out my older sister and her family were coming to the island for a long vacation. Her husband, and... their daughter, my niece, who was my age. [ sakiko. ] My mother forbade me again and again from going near the villa... told me I couldn't meet Togawa Sakiko or Mizuho under any circumstances. That it would bring us nothing but misfortune. I couldn't understand why, but I accepted it. The Togawa weren't my family either, after all... I knew I didn't belong anywhere.

Summer came, and... [ something bitter enters her voice, here. like even now, her disbelief flares up at the idea. ] Uika went to the villa. Uika met Saki-chan, and they played together, every day.

[ a breath, as she tightens the hug for a moment. she shifts her voice, here, mimicking the cheerful child she's described. ]

"Onee-chan, Saki-chan's sooo cute! Saki-chan knows everything, she can do anything, and she told me allll about Tokyo!" I was so jealous... it was so unfair... why could Uika meet her, when I couldn't? Why didn't our mother tell her that, too? ... Why was I the only one who had to be all alone? Nothing seemed real. Not me, not other people...

Saki-chan and I were both children of the Togawa, but she had every blessing and a loving family; she had my father's recognition, while he hid me like a secret... I kept wondering, what kind of girl is she? What kind of girl is she? Uika would tell me about everything she and Saki-chan did in so much detail, and it only made me more jealous and want to see her more... it was like her memories were becoming mine. Then... on the last day before Mizuho would take her family and leave, Uika came down with a fever and couldn't go out. I... couldn't take it anymore. I went to the villa, and I didn't approach, but Saki-chan... saw me. And she was real, to me, like no one else. Before I could even think, or try to run, she smiled so brightly, and asked me...

[ a soft, wistful half-laugh, now, as if the cruel irony of it is almost funny to her, now. hatsune adjusts her head's position to settle in closer, nuzzling kohaku in the process. another attempt at a voice comes: bright, formal and childlike. but still mimicking the patterns of the voice of oblivionis that had regularly made itself heard during the third week: ]

"Uika, what shall we do today?"

[ It hurts to hear Hatsune say it: I knew I didn't belong anywhere. Still, Kohaku doesn't try to interrupt; she merely shifts the arm around Hatsune's waist, bringing it to her shoulder instead. Her hand falls against the top of her head, and now, her fingertips scratch lightly through her hair.

There are so many likenesses between them—but in this way, Kohaku realizes, Hatsune isn't like her at all. After all, to Kohaku, becoming something real has always been the most frightening thing of all. Even now—even just a few weeks ago, it had scared her so much that she had fled from Satsuki's confession in the conservatory.

Even so, intuitively, she knows what happened next. ]

So you pretended to be her, [ she asks, her voice a soft little murmur against the side of Hatsune's head, ] right?

[ that's the key thing, to hatsune's mind. they aren't identical. but so much of how they've felt is so similar. where their experiences differ, they can still understand like very few others can.

she hums softly at the scratches, resting further against kohaku. she is, tragically, not beating the golden retriever girlfriend allegations. ]

Mhm. I... tried to say she had it wrong, but the words wouldn't come out. And then... I imitated Uika. I smiled like her, talked like her, acted like her. I took her to catch bugs, even though I'm scared of them, because she and Uika liked it so much. It was... the most fun I'd ever had, I thought. We decided to meet back up that night to play more, so... after dark, I threw pebbles at her window as a signal. We ran through the forest, and it was like there was nobody else. I knew it was wrong, I remembered what my mother told me, but... we stopped somewhere in a park, and started watching the stars. I pointed out every constellation I knew, and... eventually, I turned to look at Saki-chan, and she was staring at me. She said,

"You're so mysterious, Uika. Normally, you're bright like the sun, but right now, you're as gentle as the moon."

I'd... stopped acting like Uika, at some point. I'd always loved the stars so much. But... even if it was under someone else's name... I'd never felt that kind of light. No one had ever recognized me as... as my own person, someone with value. I... fell in love with her, there and then. I wanted her to save me, to fill everything I was missing, to give me purpose, I wanted us to stay together forever... and then she kept talking.

[ real unreliable narrator hours at play here. she takes a few slow breaths. ]

"You'll definitely make it as an idol," she said. I wanted to say that was Uika's dream, not mine. I could have admitted the truth then. But with the way she was looking at me, the stars reflected in her eyes, that smile... I... couldn't say anything.

Edited 2025-05-20 00:50 (UTC)

You're afraid of bugs, Hatsune? [ Softly, Kohaku giggles. She can just picture her as a little girl, doing her best not to let her brave face crack as she catches some harmless grasshopper in her hands. It's cute... ] But they're so little, and most of them can't hurt you, you know.

[ Oh, but—that's not really the point of all this, is it? As if in apology, Kohaku presses a kiss to Hatsune's forehead. ]

Why would I hate you for this? [ Because... Sakiko is her niece? But, if she really felt so alone... Of course she would be stricken with those kinds of feelings around the one person who brought her any kind of relief. ] Because you fell in love with her?

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cw self-loathing and uh. well. sibling death for STARTERS

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local woman forgets to hit post

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adding cws for parental abandonment + this is going to get into referencing incest before long

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just assume those previous cws are going to continue indefinitely

yeah,,

ongoing cw for parental emotional neglect, derealization, depersonalization

cw samesies

those cws are continuing im not fucking around. also obsession.

cws above