sinking down, down

[facultwist]

Death is a drop into a blackness that swallows you. You feel the movement of not air but shadow across your face as you plummet, and there is no bottom. No crash.

If there is another side, you do not reach it.

It is neither the light of heaven or the fires of hell that greets you when you wake. And wake you do, to the buzz and flicker of old fluorescent lights.

You are laid out beside a full-size competitive swimming pool, half-filled with stagnant water. The doors out are blocked off by locked doors covered in caution tape. The locker rooms are long since emptied, paint peeling from the humidity. The only signs of habitation are a few pieces of scattered graffiti.

Welcome to your new home. There's no sunlight, no indication of time passing. Just you and each other and your thoughts. the stagnant water bubbles a little occasionally, but there's nothing in it.

Before long you'll realize that you no longer need to eat or drink. You might notice your hand go through something if you don't focus. You're a ghost now. What's that they say about unfinished business?

Comments

[ergine]

[ Of course, Kohaku immediately follows Hatsune as she tugs, tucking her legs neatly beneath herself as she settles in beside her. ]

...Of course. [ Kohaku's smile betrays some nervousness of her own—though, with her answer, it might be more accurate to describe that feeling as worry. ] If that's something you're ready for, I would like to hear it.

[goldendoll]

[ she's found enough clarity to understand one thing, at least. ]

... If I wait until I'm sure I'm ready, it'll just tear me up forever.

[ hatsune leans into kohaku a little as she says it, nestling her head against her shoulder. ]

I'll just... keep hiding parts of it. And then I get to keep convincing myself if you knew all of it, you'd hate me. I don't... want to get stuck in a pattern like that, again. Plus, I don't know how much time we have now, so... I want you to know the truth.

[ to see all of the girl under the mask. even if she's unloveable. ]

[ergine]

[ As Hatsune leans into her, Kohaku shifts to accommodate her weight. Her cheek leans against Hatsune's hair as she draws one arm around her waist—a gentle embrace that does nothing to trap Hatsune where she is. ]

Then... I will listen to whatever you need to say, Hatsune.

local woman forgets to hit post

[goldendoll]

[ ugh, she loves this girl so fucking much. hatsune nods against kohaku's shoulder, slipping an arm around her in return. ]

... What do you know about the Togawa Group?

[ergine]

I'm afraid that I can't say I know much.

[ Perhaps in part because she has been with the Osgale family since she was very young—and, perhaps, because there isn't much need for a maid to be aware of the political intricacy of her social betters. But those are things she's sure will become necessary to say later, so for the moment, she leaves her answer at that. ]

adding cws for parental abandonment + this is going to get into referencing incest before long

[goldendoll]

[ hatsune nods at that, again, staying close. about as much as the average person might, then, if that. that's fine, she just thought it was the safest place to start. the voices from week three might have betrayed pieces, but only in the most disconnected of ways. ]

The Togawa are... a very old, rich and powerful family. Before the war, they were nobility, the Group was one of the old zaibatsu... you get the idea. They used to rule Shodoshima, the island where Sayo-chan, Uika and I grew up.... they still have a summer villa there. My mother, for a long time, was a live-in caretaker at the villa.

[ she presses herself a little more tightly against kohaku. ]

... My father is Togawa Sadaharu... the CEO and family head. After his wife died, he and my mother... well, I was the result. I was... hidden on Shodoshima with my mother, because I was a threat to his position, and the chain of inheritance. His legitimate daughter of Togawa blood, Mizuho... and her daughter, born the same year as me.

Togawa Sakiko. [ saki-chan. ]

[ergine]

[ Kohaku might not be familiar with the specifics of it, but the structure is perfectly familiar to someone like her. Money, power, secrets that are only secret because of the risk they pose to those alloted the most importance—even, my mother was a live-in caretaker...

Against the crown of Hatsune's head, Kohaku's nods. The motion rubs her cheek through the blond of Hatsune's hair, and against her side, that gentle hand strokes up and down. Still, she says nothing—so that touch will have to be signal enough for Hatsune to continue her story. ]

just assume those previous cws are going to continue indefinitely

[goldendoll]

[ she doesn't know what she's done to deserve this kind of love, she thinks.

hatsune closes her eyes, letting herself be slightly lost in kohaku's touch, if only for now. ]

When I was a baby, my mother met a local fisherman. He was... kind. Very kind. The two of them married before long, and he raised me like his own child. They were happy together, so... before I was two, they had a happy child together. Uika. My little sister... the one I called by my name, before. She was completely different from me... happy, cheerful, bright like the sun. She... dreamed of being an idol. Both of us took so much after our mother, though, that we almost looked as much alike as you and Hisui-chan.

They had their happy family. I was the mistake, born from grief and hidden like a secret, never allowed to forget who my real father was. I was the only one who didn't fit. I'd... felt like that for longer than I can remember.

[ and as she describes her dynamic with uika, she imagines it as a twisted reflection of kohaku and hisui. still, that hand resting on kohaku's side balls up in her shirt. ]

yeah,,

[ergine]

[ As Kohaku feels those fingers tighten, the hand she had left lying in her lap reaches for Hatsune, instead. She gathers up her free hand in hers, and as she laces their fingers together, she once more brushes the pad of her thumb across her knuckles. ]

So, [ she says, finally speaking up, ] what happened?

[ A vibrant little sister, and the dream that belonged to her. Certainly, she can see the shape of something forming—but, like some beast moving around below the surface of dark water, its details have yet to resolve, and the nature of it eludes her. ]

ongoing cw for parental emotional neglect, derealization, depersonalization

[goldendoll]

[ hatsune squeezes kohaku's hand, pressing a kiss to the juncture of her neck and shoulder in thanks. a murmur of i love you against her skin. ]

So... one summer, the year before I met Sayo-chan, we found out my older sister and her family were coming to the island for a long vacation. Her husband, and... their daughter, my niece, who was my age. [ sakiko. ] My mother forbade me again and again from going near the villa... told me I couldn't meet Togawa Sakiko or Mizuho under any circumstances. That it would bring us nothing but misfortune. I couldn't understand why, but I accepted it. The Togawa weren't my family either, after all... I knew I didn't belong anywhere.

Summer came, and... [ something bitter enters her voice, here. like even now, her disbelief flares up at the idea. ] Uika went to the villa. Uika met Saki-chan, and they played together, every day.

[ a breath, as she tightens the hug for a moment. she shifts her voice, here, mimicking the cheerful child she's described. ]

"Onee-chan, Saki-chan's sooo cute! Saki-chan knows everything, she can do anything, and she told me allll about Tokyo!" I was so jealous... it was so unfair... why could Uika meet her, when I couldn't? Why didn't our mother tell her that, too? ... Why was I the only one who had to be all alone? Nothing seemed real. Not me, not other people...

Saki-chan and I were both children of the Togawa, but she had every blessing and a loving family; she had my father's recognition, while he hid me like a secret... I kept wondering, what kind of girl is she? What kind of girl is she? Uika would tell me about everything she and Saki-chan did in so much detail, and it only made me more jealous and want to see her more... it was like her memories were becoming mine. Then... on the last day before Mizuho would take her family and leave, Uika came down with a fever and couldn't go out. I... couldn't take it anymore. I went to the villa, and I didn't approach, but Saki-chan... saw me. And she was real, to me, like no one else. Before I could even think, or try to run, she smiled so brightly, and asked me...

[ a soft, wistful half-laugh, now, as if the cruel irony of it is almost funny to her, now. hatsune adjusts her head's position to settle in closer, nuzzling kohaku in the process. another attempt at a voice comes: bright, formal and childlike. but still mimicking the patterns of the voice of oblivionis that had regularly made itself heard during the third week: ]

"Uika, what shall we do today?"

cw samesies

[ergine]

[ It hurts to hear Hatsune say it: I knew I didn't belong anywhere. Still, Kohaku doesn't try to interrupt; she merely shifts the arm around Hatsune's waist, bringing it to her shoulder instead. Her hand falls against the top of her head, and now, her fingertips scratch lightly through her hair.

There are so many likenesses between them—but in this way, Kohaku realizes, Hatsune isn't like her at all. After all, to Kohaku, becoming something real has always been the most frightening thing of all. Even now—even just a few weeks ago, it had scared her so much that she had fled from Satsuki's confession in the conservatory.

Even so, intuitively, she knows what happened next. ]

So you pretended to be her, [ she asks, her voice a soft little murmur against the side of Hatsune's head, ] right?

those cws are continuing im not fucking around. also obsession.

[goldendoll]

[ that's the key thing, to hatsune's mind. they aren't identical. but so much of how they've felt is so similar. where their experiences differ, they can still understand like very few others can.

she hums softly at the scratches, resting further against kohaku. she is, tragically, not beating the golden retriever girlfriend allegations. ]

Mhm. I... tried to say she had it wrong, but the words wouldn't come out. And then... I imitated Uika. I smiled like her, talked like her, acted like her. I took her to catch bugs, even though I'm scared of them, because she and Uika liked it so much. It was... the most fun I'd ever had, I thought. We decided to meet back up that night to play more, so... after dark, I threw pebbles at her window as a signal. We ran through the forest, and it was like there was nobody else. I knew it was wrong, I remembered what my mother told me, but... we stopped somewhere in a park, and started watching the stars. I pointed out every constellation I knew, and... eventually, I turned to look at Saki-chan, and she was staring at me. She said,

"You're so mysterious, Uika. Normally, you're bright like the sun, but right now, you're as gentle as the moon."

I'd... stopped acting like Uika, at some point. I'd always loved the stars so much. But... even if it was under someone else's name... I'd never felt that kind of light. No one had ever recognized me as... as my own person, someone with value. I... fell in love with her, there and then. I wanted her to save me, to fill everything I was missing, to give me purpose, I wanted us to stay together forever... and then she kept talking.

[ real unreliable narrator hours at play here. she takes a few slow breaths. ]

"You'll definitely make it as an idol," she said. I wanted to say that was Uika's dream, not mine. I could have admitted the truth then. But with the way she was looking at me, the stars reflected in her eyes, that smile... I... couldn't say anything.

cws above

[ergine]

You're afraid of bugs, Hatsune? [ Softly, Kohaku giggles. She can just picture her as a little girl, doing her best not to let her brave face crack as she catches some harmless grasshopper in her hands. It's cute... ] But they're so little, and most of them can't hurt you, you know.

[ Oh, but—that's not really the point of all this, is it? As if in apology, Kohaku presses a kiss to Hatsune's forehead. ]

Why would I hate you for this? [ Because... Sakiko is her niece? But, if she really felt so alone... Of course she would be stricken with those kinds of feelings around the one person who brought her any kind of relief. ] Because you fell in love with her?

[goldendoll]

[ hatsune just pouts up at kohaku at that, brows furrowed and face flushed in embarrassment, even if part of her is grateful for the levity after all of that. ]

I knooooow. [ she hums at the kiss, letting her eyes slip closed. ] ... But... no, it's... not about that part. [ it is a relief that kohaku isn't judging her for it, either way, though. she's spent so long excoriating herself over it, she's almost not sure what to do with the acceptance. ]

It's... something that happened after all that.

[ergine]

[ Hatsune's pout is cute, too. It makes Kohaku want to tease her more—but it's clear this is something truly important to her, so she resists the impulse and settles down again, even as she continues to smile. ]

Then... I am listening, Hatsune. Please, tell me.

cw parental death too

[goldendoll]

[ hatsune lets out an amused, halfway exasperated huff, leaning into her hand. ]

... Years later, when I was in middle school... my adoptive father died at sea. I loved him, I was grateful to him, even if I never felt like I belonged, but... I thought "I'm the oldest, so I have to keep it together. I have to help Mom and support Uika." But Uika was... she took it harder than I did. And she eventually... [ she closes her eyes. she wasn't... fully present, after her mind began replaying the argument in the lounge during week three, but she remembers how it started. ]

We had an argument one day. She took it out on me... she thought I wasn't sad because he "wasn't my real dad." I tried to say how I felt, she said all I'd done was complain, and... [ she turns her head to the side, glancing away from kohaku. ]

... I think you heard the rest in the lounge that day, right? I... took a small bag of my things, and my pocket money, and I planned to catch the last ferry that night. I thought... if I went to Tokyo, I might be able to see Saki-chan again. But... when I ran... Uika, she...

[ she takes a deep, shaky breath, body growing tense. she can say it. she's said it to hawke. but trying, and apparently succeeding, at giving hawke something to judge her for? that's worlds apart from this. ]

[ergine]

[ Kohaku doesn't make an attempt to force Hatsune's gaze back to hers—but she doesn't avert her eyes from her, either. ]

It's okay. [ Where her fingers lace through Hatsune's, they squeeze: an encouraging, grounding touch. ] I promise. You can tell me.

[ Because I can't hate you. Even now, she's certain there is nothing Hatsune could say to change that. ]

cw sibling death and identity theft since we're actually there now

[goldendoll]

... Okay.

[ hatsune squeezes back, and after a few seconds she finally nods, turning to at least... look in kohaku's direction again, even if eye contact is still fleeting. ]

Uika saw me leaving and followed me. She wanted to stop me, to talk, to bring me home. I was cutting through the woods down a slope to get to the port in time, and... it was dark, and Uika didn't know her way around those places as well as I did, and—

[ she closes her eyes, tensing up, but curls towards kohaku regardless. ]

She took a bad fall. And I didn't look back. All I could think of was leaving. I didn't see if she was okay, or try to help... I didn't do anything. I just... kept going, to catch my ferry and leave.

... Mom was alone, after that night. They kept Uika's name out of the papers, but I knew as soon as I saw the article. And then... when I got to Tokyo... just to get Saki-chan's attention, to be someone she knew... I got scouted as an idol. And I gave Uika's name.

[ergine]

[ Again, Kohaku's fingers stroke through Hatsune's hair. Even if she won't open her eyes, even if she won't look... She brushes a lock back from her face, pinning it behind her ear. ]

But, Hatsune... I know you were trying to be a good sister. You said so yourself... The reason you were trying to be so strong was for Uika.

[ All too well, she recognizes the impulse. "As long as Hisui-chan is safe." "As long as Hisui-chan is happy." Kohaku finds herself drawing in a breath, and she wonders: when did her chest begin to squeeze so tight? ]

I'm sorry, [ she murmurs—and then, again: ] I'm sorry that happened to you both. It must have been hard, keeping this inside you.

[ Because, of course—if it were her, she would feel so guilty. That failure to protect Hisui's light. The spark within Hisui sacrificed to animate a hollow doll like her.

(Still, isn't that—)

Her throat feels tight, and she makes herself swallow. ]

[goldendoll]

[ hatsune finally opens her eyes when kohaku starts speaking, her disbelief melting at the sight of how she's looking at her. the gentleness in her voice.

she manages to meet her eyes, blinking back tears as she cradles kohaku's face in both hands. ]

Thank you. [ she breathes that out, brushing their lips together and feeling suddenly light. it's insufficient, completely insufficient, but... she doesn't know where to begin expressing what this means to her. her thumb strokes along kohaku's cheek, though, brows knitting in concern at the obvious tension she's showing now. ]

... What's wrong? [ it comes out gently. the least she can do is treat kohaku with the same level of care. ]

cw allusions to child abuse

[ergine]

Hm? Do I look like something is wrong...?

[ She laughs, almost sheepish, and brings a hand to her own face as though trying to decipher her own expression by touch.

Still—even if it's difficult to talk about... ]

Well, I... I suppose I feel as though I haven't done right by Hisui-chan myself, in some ways. [ Maybe that sounds ridiculous to Hatsune, after what she had done even just in this place for her. But... ] I tried so hard to shield her from everything, but in the end, she still wound up hurt.

[ Not physically—not the way Kohaku had been. But... She knows that doesn't make Hisui's pain any less real. Maybe she knows it better than anyone else could. ]

prev cws

[goldendoll]

[ she's... not sure what to say to that, really. she doesn't want to coax her into talking more about it, kohaku seems reluctant, but... ]

... You've done more for her than I ever did for Uika. It's not even close. [ hatsune murmurs that, staying close, trailing her thumb along the faint line of kohaku's cheekbone. ] I don't know what things were like for you two, before... but Kohaku... whatever it was, you were so young. None of it is your fault.

prev cws

[ergine]

Yes, [ she says, the word little more than a tiny breath in her mouth. ] I know. Even so...

[ Kohaku's voice trails away. A silent moment passes between them as Kohaku tries to untangle the sentiment that rests on the tip of her tongue; everything, all of it, it's so enmeshed— ]

I'm sorry. It's difficult to know where to begin with something like this. [ She exhales: another one of those little giggles she can make on demand. ] To be honest, I think it's harder for other people to hear it than it is for me to talk about it.

[ That is, in fact, the crux of the problem. ]

prev cws

[goldendoll]

It's really okay. [ it comes out as a gentle murmur, while hatsune briefly touches her forehead to kohaku's. bonk. ]

I always just thought you'd tell me when you were ready. So... if you don't know where to start, I'll be here when you do. It doesn't have to be today. [ a deep breath, her voice still low. ] If you want me to know, I'll listen? No matter how hard it is to hear.

prev cws

[ergine]

I know. Because you're my girlfriend and you love me, Hatsune.

[ In reply, Kohaku bonks her forehead against Hatsune's right back. She allows it to rest there for real, though—and the way she giggles as she does sounds far more genuine. ]

When we were little, I never really smiled. Hisui-chan was always so expressive, though. [ She has already told Hatsune that she isn't naturally sociable, so it's easy enough to rip that band-aid off, at least. ] But, after she found out about everything... She stopped smiling. So, I told her that until she was able to do so again, I would play that role for her.

[ Kohaku's smile doesn't fade, but there's a gravity that settles over it as she explains, equal parts affection and regret. ]

That was a few years ago, now.