witheredblum | sinking down, down

Death is a drop into a blackness that swallows you. You feel the movement of not air but shadow across your face as you plummet, and there is no bottom. No crash.

If there is another side, you do not reach it.

It is neither the light of heaven or the fires of hell that greets you when you wake. And wake you do, to the buzz and flicker of old fluorescent lights.

You are laid out beside a full-size competitive swimming pool, half-filled with stagnant water. The doors out are blocked off by locked doors covered in caution tape. The locker rooms are long since emptied, paint peeling from the humidity. The only signs of habitation are a few pieces of scattered graffiti.

Welcome to your new home. There's no sunlight, no indication of time passing. Just you and each other and your thoughts. the stagnant water bubbles a little occasionally, but there's nothing in it.

Before long you'll realize that you no longer need to eat or drink. You might notice your hand go through something if you don't focus. You're a ghost now. What's that they say about unfinished business?

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Yes, [ she says, the word little more than a tiny breath in her mouth. ] I know. Even so...

[ Kohaku's voice trails away. A silent moment passes between them as Kohaku tries to untangle the sentiment that rests on the tip of her tongue; everything, all of it, it's so enmeshed— ]

I'm sorry. It's difficult to know where to begin with something like this. [ She exhales: another one of those little giggles she can make on demand. ] To be honest, I think it's harder for other people to hear it than it is for me to talk about it.

[ That is, in fact, the crux of the problem. ]

It's really okay. [ it comes out as a gentle murmur, while hatsune briefly touches her forehead to kohaku's. bonk. ]

I always just thought you'd tell me when you were ready. So... if you don't know where to start, I'll be here when you do. It doesn't have to be today. [ a deep breath, her voice still low. ] If you want me to know, I'll listen? No matter how hard it is to hear.

I know. Because you're my girlfriend and you love me, Hatsune.

[ In reply, Kohaku bonks her forehead against Hatsune's right back. She allows it to rest there for real, though—and the way she giggles as she does sounds far more genuine. ]

When we were little, I never really smiled. Hisui-chan was always so expressive, though. [ She has already told Hatsune that she isn't naturally sociable, so it's easy enough to rip that band-aid off, at least. ] But, after she found out about everything... She stopped smiling. So, I told her that until she was able to do so again, I would play that role for her.

[ Kohaku's smile doesn't fade, but there's a gravity that settles over it as she explains, equal parts affection and regret. ]

That was a few years ago, now.

[ she is, and she does!!! hatsune breathes out a warm laugh when kohaku bonks back and giggles, rubbing an aimless pattern on her back. she doesn't interrupt as she goes on. something aches in her at the... what, guilt? kohaku seems to feel at what learning about her experiences had done to hisui, but... ]

... Do you think she would prefer you never told her? [ it's an honest question, said as gently and neutrally as she can manage. ] With how you talk about Hisui-chan... she'd see her big sister was carrying something heavy eventually, right?

[ she pulls kohaku a little closer, starting to hold her in return now. she rests her cheek against the side of kohaku's head, nodding against her to encourage her to go on. get cuddled, idiot. ]

I don't know. [ Her answer comes without much delay, matter-of-fact. ] When I was younger, I always had trouble understanding how other people felt. Even Hisui-chan... Her smile was so bright, but underneath it, she was shy. I remember wishing she would tell me how she felt, sometimes.

[ Despite the weight of the topic, Kohaku rests easily in Hatsune's arms, her body relaxed and comfortable. ]

[ she nods against kohaku again, face tickled by the red strands as she presses a kiss into her scalp. hatsune understands that. she still has trouble understanding how people feel, if she's being honest. she tries to take care to pay attention to what the people around her like and dislike, but... ]

Mm. [ she links one of her hands with kohaku's, keeping her close but trying to keep the hold loose for now. the last thing she wants is for this to go bad and for kohaku to feel somehow trapped. really, she feels as if she's said too much already, and she doesn't want to steer her on this. so it's a simple murmur, two syllables: ]

And then?

[ And then—what? Kohaku isn't really sure. She's quiet for a few moments longer, this time, but eventually she says, ]

Sometimes, I think... That's probably why he chose me. [ Hatsune keeps her fingers loose; Kohaku grips them tighter. For once, she tries to hang onto the feel of them in her hand: their warms, their shape, even the calluses from the strings of Hatsune's guitar. ] I didn't know how to express myself, or how to understand the adults around me, so no one would notice the difference the way they would if something about Hisui-chan changed.

[ She exhales—a little melancholy, as though she were releasing something else with that breath. ]

I've gotten better at that part, at least. Though, I didn't really have any choice, I think.

[ The same way she hadn't had a choice about turning herself into a doll.

Kohaku falls quiet again, as though the thought were at its end. Then, suddenly, she muses aloud: ]

Maybe that's why. Telling her was the first time I made my own choice.

[ shit. hatsune had... an inkling that it was something like that, but the confirmation that kohaku had endured something like that... aches, somewhere deep. her next breath is shakier, something slow and steadying. she lets kohaku grip her fingers as tightly as she likes, happy to act as an anchor right now. ]

I'm sorry. [ it's beyond insufficient, once again, and she feels pathetic saying it, but: ] I'm so sorry you went through that, Kohaku.

[ the words come out as gently as something like this can. hatsune pulls her a little closer, now, pressing another kiss into her hair. ]

... And... that could be it. [ the desperate need to claim any kind of choice, any kind of agency... she knows all too well how that can bubble up through the cracks and do terrible damage, left unchecked. ]

Edited 2025-05-24 22:06 (UTC)

[ Kohaku answers Hatsune's words with a short, quiet hum. ]

Even if the results were probably inevitable... When it's a decision you made yourself, it's hard not to feel responsible.

[ Or, as she has long since discovered—sometimes even when it wasn't your decision at all. Another little sigh ekes from Kohaku, and this time, the noise is more fond than anything. ]

Hatsune... [ Kohaku turns her face, and she presses a kiss of her own to whatever bare skin she can find: Hatsune's brow, or her cheek, or even the swath of skin exposed above the high collar of Hatsune's band costume. ] This is something I've had to tell Dorothy, too, but I don't think there's much point in feeling sorry about something that can't be changed. I'm alright, now.

[ Well. "Alright" might be overstating it. Still, she has been out of harm's way for some time now. ]

[ hatsune just nods and hums at the initial response. it's a sentiment she understands well, unfortunately.

the kiss to her neck causes her breath to catch, though, face flushing as her head tilts back slightly. ]

Kohakuuu, don't distract me... [ the words are breathy as they come out, but still, she's adjusted to give her better access as she processes what kohaku's said. girl pick a struggle. this is not the time. ]

So... what happened to him? [ she has a sinking feeling that whatever it was, it wasn't nearly enough. ]

sinking down, down

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