witheredblum | sinking down, down

sinking down, down

Death is a drop into a blackness that swallows you. You feel the movement of not air but shadow across your face as you plummet, and there is no bottom. No crash.

If there is another side, you do not reach it.

It is neither the light of heaven or the fires of hell that greets you when you wake. And wake you do, to the buzz and flicker of old fluorescent lights.

You are laid out beside a full-size competitive swimming pool, half-filled with stagnant water. The doors out are blocked off by locked doors covered in caution tape. The locker rooms are long since emptied, paint peeling from the humidity. The only signs of habitation are a few pieces of scattered graffiti.

Welcome to your new home. There's no sunlight, no indication of time passing. Just you and each other and your thoughts. the stagnant water bubbles a little occasionally, but there's nothing in it.

Before long you'll realize that you no longer need to eat or drink. You might notice your hand go through something if you don't focus. You're a ghost now. What's that they say about unfinished business?

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[ It hurts to hear Hatsune say it: I knew I didn't belong anywhere. Still, Kohaku doesn't try to interrupt; she merely shifts the arm around Hatsune's waist, bringing it to her shoulder instead. Her hand falls against the top of her head, and now, her fingertips scratch lightly through her hair.

There are so many likenesses between them—but in this way, Kohaku realizes, Hatsune isn't like her at all. After all, to Kohaku, becoming something real has always been the most frightening thing of all. Even now—even just a few weeks ago, it had scared her so much that she had fled from Satsuki's confession in the conservatory.

Even so, intuitively, she knows what happened next. ]

So you pretended to be her, [ she asks, her voice a soft little murmur against the side of Hatsune's head, ] right?

[ that's the key thing, to hatsune's mind. they aren't identical. but so much of how they've felt is so similar. where their experiences differ, they can still understand like very few others can.

she hums softly at the scratches, resting further against kohaku. she is, tragically, not beating the golden retriever girlfriend allegations. ]

Mhm. I... tried to say she had it wrong, but the words wouldn't come out. And then... I imitated Uika. I smiled like her, talked like her, acted like her. I took her to catch bugs, even though I'm scared of them, because she and Uika liked it so much. It was... the most fun I'd ever had, I thought. We decided to meet back up that night to play more, so... after dark, I threw pebbles at her window as a signal. We ran through the forest, and it was like there was nobody else. I knew it was wrong, I remembered what my mother told me, but... we stopped somewhere in a park, and started watching the stars. I pointed out every constellation I knew, and... eventually, I turned to look at Saki-chan, and she was staring at me. She said,

"You're so mysterious, Uika. Normally, you're bright like the sun, but right now, you're as gentle as the moon."

I'd... stopped acting like Uika, at some point. I'd always loved the stars so much. But... even if it was under someone else's name... I'd never felt that kind of light. No one had ever recognized me as... as my own person, someone with value. I... fell in love with her, there and then. I wanted her to save me, to fill everything I was missing, to give me purpose, I wanted us to stay together forever... and then she kept talking.

[ real unreliable narrator hours at play here. she takes a few slow breaths. ]

"You'll definitely make it as an idol," she said. I wanted to say that was Uika's dream, not mine. I could have admitted the truth then. But with the way she was looking at me, the stars reflected in her eyes, that smile... I... couldn't say anything.

Edited 2025-05-20 00:50 (UTC)

You're afraid of bugs, Hatsune? [ Softly, Kohaku giggles. She can just picture her as a little girl, doing her best not to let her brave face crack as she catches some harmless grasshopper in her hands. It's cute... ] But they're so little, and most of them can't hurt you, you know.

[ Oh, but—that's not really the point of all this, is it? As if in apology, Kohaku presses a kiss to Hatsune's forehead. ]

Why would I hate you for this? [ Because... Sakiko is her niece? But, if she really felt so alone... Of course she would be stricken with those kinds of feelings around the one person who brought her any kind of relief. ] Because you fell in love with her?

[ hatsune just pouts up at kohaku at that, brows furrowed and face flushed in embarrassment, even if part of her is grateful for the levity after all of that. ]

I knooooow. [ she hums at the kiss, letting her eyes slip closed. ] ... But... no, it's... not about that part. [ it is a relief that kohaku isn't judging her for it, either way, though. she's spent so long excoriating herself over it, she's almost not sure what to do with the acceptance. ]

It's... something that happened after all that.

[ Hatsune's pout is cute, too. It makes Kohaku want to tease her more—but it's clear this is something truly important to her, so she resists the impulse and settles down again, even as she continues to smile. ]

Then... I am listening, Hatsune. Please, tell me.

[ hatsune lets out an amused, halfway exasperated huff, leaning into her hand. ]

... Years later, when I was in middle school... my adoptive father died at sea. I loved him, I was grateful to him, even if I never felt like I belonged, but... I thought "I'm the oldest, so I have to keep it together. I have to help Mom and support Uika." But Uika was... she took it harder than I did. And she eventually... [ she closes her eyes. she wasn't... fully present, after her mind began replaying the argument in the lounge during week three, but she remembers how it started. ]

We had an argument one day. She took it out on me... she thought I wasn't sad because he "wasn't my real dad." I tried to say how I felt, she said all I'd done was complain, and... [ she turns her head to the side, glancing away from kohaku. ]

... I think you heard the rest in the lounge that day, right? I... took a small bag of my things, and my pocket money, and I planned to catch the last ferry that night. I thought... if I went to Tokyo, I might be able to see Saki-chan again. But... when I ran... Uika, she...

[ she takes a deep, shaky breath, body growing tense. she can say it. she's said it to hawke. but trying, and apparently succeeding, at giving hawke something to judge her for? that's worlds apart from this. ]

Edited 2025-05-20 04:38 (UTC)

[ Kohaku doesn't make an attempt to force Hatsune's gaze back to hers—but she doesn't avert her eyes from her, either. ]

It's okay. [ Where her fingers lace through Hatsune's, they squeeze: an encouraging, grounding touch. ] I promise. You can tell me.

[ Because I can't hate you. Even now, she's certain there is nothing Hatsune could say to change that. ]

... Okay.

[ hatsune squeezes back, and after a few seconds she finally nods, turning to at least... look in kohaku's direction again, even if eye contact is still fleeting. ]

Uika saw me leaving and followed me. She wanted to stop me, to talk, to bring me home. I was cutting through the woods down a slope to get to the port in time, and... it was dark, and Uika didn't know her way around those places as well as I did, and—

[ she closes her eyes, tensing up, but curls towards kohaku regardless. ]

She took a bad fall. And I didn't look back. All I could think of was leaving. I didn't see if she was okay, or try to help... I didn't do anything. I just... kept going, to catch my ferry and leave.

... Mom was alone, after that night. They kept Uika's name out of the papers, but I knew as soon as I saw the article. And then... when I got to Tokyo... just to get Saki-chan's attention, to be someone she knew... I got scouted as an idol. And I gave Uika's name.

Edited (sorry i just noticed i used the same icon twice in a row and that bothers me) 2025-05-21 01:25 (UTC)

[ Again, Kohaku's fingers stroke through Hatsune's hair. Even if she won't open her eyes, even if she won't look... She brushes a lock back from her face, pinning it behind her ear. ]

But, Hatsune... I know you were trying to be a good sister. You said so yourself... The reason you were trying to be so strong was for Uika.

[ All too well, she recognizes the impulse. "As long as Hisui-chan is safe." "As long as Hisui-chan is happy." Kohaku finds herself drawing in a breath, and she wonders: when did her chest begin to squeeze so tight? ]

I'm sorry, [ she murmurs—and then, again: ] I'm sorry that happened to you both. It must have been hard, keeping this inside you.

[ Because, of course—if it were her, she would feel so guilty. That failure to protect Hisui's light. The spark within Hisui sacrificed to animate a hollow doll like her.

(Still, isn't that—)

Her throat feels tight, and she makes herself swallow. ]

Edited 2025-05-21 02:10 (UTC)

[ hatsune finally opens her eyes when kohaku starts speaking, her disbelief melting at the sight of how she's looking at her. the gentleness in her voice.

she manages to meet her eyes, blinking back tears as she cradles kohaku's face in both hands. ]

Thank you. [ she breathes that out, brushing their lips together and feeling suddenly light. it's insufficient, completely insufficient, but... she doesn't know where to begin expressing what this means to her. her thumb strokes along kohaku's cheek, though, brows knitting in concern at the obvious tension she's showing now. ]

... What's wrong? [ it comes out gently. the least she can do is treat kohaku with the same level of care. ]

Edited 2025-05-21 02:34 (UTC)

Hm? Do I look like something is wrong...?

[ She laughs, almost sheepish, and brings a hand to her own face as though trying to decipher her own expression by touch.

Still—even if it's difficult to talk about... ]

Well, I... I suppose I feel as though I haven't done right by Hisui-chan myself, in some ways. [ Maybe that sounds ridiculous to Hatsune, after what she had done even just in this place for her. But... ] I tried so hard to shield her from everything, but in the end, she still wound up hurt.

[ Not physically—not the way Kohaku had been. But... She knows that doesn't make Hisui's pain any less real. Maybe she knows it better than anyone else could. ]

[ she's... not sure what to say to that, really. she doesn't want to coax her into talking more about it, kohaku seems reluctant, but... ]

... You've done more for her than I ever did for Uika. It's not even close. [ hatsune murmurs that, staying close, trailing her thumb along the faint line of kohaku's cheekbone. ] I don't know what things were like for you two, before... but Kohaku... whatever it was, you were so young. None of it is your fault.

Edited 2025-05-21 03:09 (UTC)

Yes, [ she says, the word little more than a tiny breath in her mouth. ] I know. Even so...

[ Kohaku's voice trails away. A silent moment passes between them as Kohaku tries to untangle the sentiment that rests on the tip of her tongue; everything, all of it, it's so enmeshed— ]

I'm sorry. It's difficult to know where to begin with something like this. [ She exhales: another one of those little giggles she can make on demand. ] To be honest, I think it's harder for other people to hear it than it is for me to talk about it.

[ That is, in fact, the crux of the problem. ]

It's really okay. [ it comes out as a gentle murmur, while hatsune briefly touches her forehead to kohaku's. bonk. ]

I always just thought you'd tell me when you were ready. So... if you don't know where to start, I'll be here when you do. It doesn't have to be today. [ a deep breath, her voice still low. ] If you want me to know, I'll listen? No matter how hard it is to hear.

I know. Because you're my girlfriend and you love me, Hatsune.

[ In reply, Kohaku bonks her forehead against Hatsune's right back. She allows it to rest there for real, though—and the way she giggles as she does sounds far more genuine. ]

When we were little, I never really smiled. Hisui-chan was always so expressive, though. [ She has already told Hatsune that she isn't naturally sociable, so it's easy enough to rip that band-aid off, at least. ] But, after she found out about everything... She stopped smiling. So, I told her that until she was able to do so again, I would play that role for her.

[ Kohaku's smile doesn't fade, but there's a gravity that settles over it as she explains, equal parts affection and regret. ]

That was a few years ago, now.

[ she is, and she does!!! hatsune breathes out a warm laugh when kohaku bonks back and giggles, rubbing an aimless pattern on her back. she doesn't interrupt as she goes on. something aches in her at the... what, guilt? kohaku seems to feel at what learning about her experiences had done to hisui, but... ]

... Do you think she would prefer you never told her? [ it's an honest question, said as gently and neutrally as she can manage. ] With how you talk about Hisui-chan... she'd see her big sister was carrying something heavy eventually, right?

[ she pulls kohaku a little closer, starting to hold her in return now. she rests her cheek against the side of kohaku's head, nodding against her to encourage her to go on. get cuddled, idiot. ]

I don't know. [ Her answer comes without much delay, matter-of-fact. ] When I was younger, I always had trouble understanding how other people felt. Even Hisui-chan... Her smile was so bright, but underneath it, she was shy. I remember wishing she would tell me how she felt, sometimes.

[ Despite the weight of the topic, Kohaku rests easily in Hatsune's arms, her body relaxed and comfortable. ]

[ she nods against kohaku again, face tickled by the red strands as she presses a kiss into her scalp. hatsune understands that. she still has trouble understanding how people feel, if she's being honest. she tries to take care to pay attention to what the people around her like and dislike, but... ]

Mm. [ she links one of her hands with kohaku's, keeping her close but trying to keep the hold loose for now. the last thing she wants is for this to go bad and for kohaku to feel somehow trapped. really, she feels as if she's said too much already, and she doesn't want to steer her on this. so it's a simple murmur, two syllables: ]

And then?

[ And then—what? Kohaku isn't really sure. She's quiet for a few moments longer, this time, but eventually she says, ]

Sometimes, I think... That's probably why he chose me. [ Hatsune keeps her fingers loose; Kohaku grips them tighter. For once, she tries to hang onto the feel of them in her hand: their warms, their shape, even the calluses from the strings of Hatsune's guitar. ] I didn't know how to express myself, or how to understand the adults around me, so no one would notice the difference the way they would if something about Hisui-chan changed.

[ She exhales—a little melancholy, as though she were releasing something else with that breath. ]

I've gotten better at that part, at least. Though, I didn't really have any choice, I think.

[ The same way she hadn't had a choice about turning herself into a doll.

Kohaku falls quiet again, as though the thought were at its end. Then, suddenly, she muses aloud: ]

Maybe that's why. Telling her was the first time I made my own choice.

[ shit. hatsune had... an inkling that it was something like that, but the confirmation that kohaku had endured something like that... aches, somewhere deep. her next breath is shakier, something slow and steadying. she lets kohaku grip her fingers as tightly as she likes, happy to act as an anchor right now. ]

I'm sorry. [ it's beyond insufficient, once again, and she feels pathetic saying it, but: ] I'm so sorry you went through that, Kohaku.

[ the words come out as gently as something like this can. hatsune pulls her a little closer, now, pressing another kiss into her hair. ]

... And... that could be it. [ the desperate need to claim any kind of choice, any kind of agency... she knows all too well how that can bubble up through the cracks and do terrible damage, left unchecked. ]

Edited 2025-05-24 22:06 (UTC)

[ Kohaku answers Hatsune's words with a short, quiet hum. ]

Even if the results were probably inevitable... When it's a decision you made yourself, it's hard not to feel responsible.

[ Or, as she has long since discovered—sometimes even when it wasn't your decision at all. Another little sigh ekes from Kohaku, and this time, the noise is more fond than anything. ]

Hatsune... [ Kohaku turns her face, and she presses a kiss of her own to whatever bare skin she can find: Hatsune's brow, or her cheek, or even the swath of skin exposed above the high collar of Hatsune's band costume. ] This is something I've had to tell Dorothy, too, but I don't think there's much point in feeling sorry about something that can't be changed. I'm alright, now.

[ Well. "Alright" might be overstating it. Still, she has been out of harm's way for some time now. ]

[ hatsune just nods and hums at the initial response. it's a sentiment she understands well, unfortunately.

the kiss to her neck causes her breath to catch, though, face flushing as her head tilts back slightly. ]

Kohakuuu, don't distract me... [ the words are breathy as they come out, but still, she's adjusted to give her better access as she processes what kohaku's said. girl pick a struggle. this is not the time. ]

So... what happened to him? [ she has a sinking feeling that whatever it was, it wasn't nearly enough. ]

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sinking down, down

cw samesies

those cws are continuing im not fucking around. also obsession.

cws above

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cw parental death too

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cw sibling death and identity theft since we're actually there now

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cw allusions to child abuse

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cw more explicit CSA discussion

cw more explicit CSA discussion

cw back to "somewhat less explicit CSA discussion" instead

cw csa discussion